Do you hear a violin in the distance?

Date: 12-15-09
Starting Weight: 219.6
Current Weight: 177.9
Goal Weight: 175
Loss Since Last Weigh In:+0.5
Total Weight loss: 41.1
Pounds left to lose: 2.9

It’s been a while since I spilled my true emotions out here in my blog. Today I contemplated not even writing this blog. I hate the fact that there is a plus sign in the loss column. Someone pointed out to me that it’s important to let my blog readers know that this isn’t a walk in the park and that it can be encouraging to hear of my struggles as well. I know lately I have tried to keep an intensely upbeat attitude toward this all. I think it just reflects on the fact that I have felt so happy lately. Even in the face of my own doubts and struggles with weight loss, I find that pretending nothing gets to me is part of how I make it through in the end.

I am immensely frustrated today. I am half way through the month and the holiday season. You all know how it works, especially in a department that is 3/4ths women. Cookies, pies, cakes, any kind of treat you could want are surrounding me all day long. Normally sweets don’t really appeal to me. When you have a platter of them beside you, and all day people are coming up to take some and tell you how delicious they are. It gets draining and it wares at you. I don’t have the option to remove myself from the situation because it’s literally everywhere I go around here. Yet, I have kept my cool and haven’t had one bite of any of them.

Despite my willpower in the sweets department. I have indulged here or there in a diet coke and vodka. I can see tiny places where I haven’t been sticking so rigidly to my plan. I know that with all of the parties and invitations that I do want to partake here or there. I had started with December in mind that this was a month of maintaing my weight and probably not about losing big numbers. In the past month since being home from vacation I have lost 7 more pounds. I know I should be proud of that. It’s just frustrating that now I lose in a month what I used to in a week. To find that I have gained even half a pound is twice as disheartening.

Deep down as I get thinner and thinner a fear is building inside of me. Literally with every day of people telling me how great I look and how thin I have gotten (This is where you roll your eyes and tell me to just be happy I am getting compliments! That’s what I would say to me.) It makes me afraid that someday I will gain it back. Even gaining part of it back scares me. I feel like I am really looking great in comparison to what I used to be, but I am still not THAT thin. I still wear a 14 size jean and on occasion can slip into a 12. I know in reality I haven’t seen this size in SO many years, but compared to someone who is truly thin I am still a chubby girl. That is hard to face, especially when you are out there as a single girl trying to find someone. *Cue my inner Dr. Phil* I know you shouldn’t want someone who likes you based on your looks alone.

Despite my frustrations, I have never been more motivated. I really want to reach my goal and I won’t stop until I do. I just wish this bumpy road could be smooth sailing to the goal line. I just wanted to vent a little bit and let all of you know out there this isn’t easy and I fight this battle with myself almost every day. As long as I am setting goals and making steps to get to them. I am headed in the right direction. Starting the gym last week was a huge step to further myself and help me learn a new way to live and to maintain this down the road. Keep going, even through your frustrations. Don’t let them be an excuse or a weight to stop you and everything you want for your life and body.

<3 Tiffany